


Fade

by analnatural



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Incest, M/M, Memories, Romance, Wincest - Freeform, fluff kinda, is that a thing?, toxic love?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-01-22 02:04:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1571996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/analnatural/pseuds/analnatural
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That night I lost my virginity. I lost it to the person I loved and I still do love. I think that's special. That was the first time Dean and I had touched each other, I guess we got a little carried away. That was the first time we knew how the other felt, and I guess that was overwhelming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fade

It was never really something that I thought much about, death, saying goodbye, all that. You think you know what it's like, how to handle it. Maybe you've gone to funerals, dead grandmas, uncles, but you never really know what it's like to lose someone until the lost was no longer another human, but a piece of you. You ripped out a part of yourself and you gave it to them and now you're left empty, a missing piece of the puzzle. Except, he wasn't just another piece. He was the whole damn thing, picture on the box and all. I remember thinking about how I could get out any time I wanted, that I could quit him whenever I felt like it, that I was in control.

 

How naive.

 

 

It was September of '01, or, something like that. I think I remember it being September but Dean always said it was August. Anything to argue with me sometimes.

But anyway, we're going with September. Dean and I were holed up in some grungy motel, as usual. I think he was 18 and I was 14 at that time. Because of that I like to think that we didn't know what we were doing, that it was all a mistake, that we were just kids messing around. But we all know that's not true.

 I remember how I could feel Dean's breath against me, his chest rising and falling like we were soon to do as well. I think, for some reason, that's what I was always most enticed by. I would always love to just sit and watch Dean breathe as he slept, or put my hand over his heart. It sounds weird but it was so peaceful. I liked knowing that this was pure, I think I needed a reminder that it was all real. Sometimes I still feel the ghost of that same breath on the back of my neck.

 I remember how he told me he loved me as he pushed himself inside. And he kept saying it. All through that night and long after. That meant a lot to me for some reason. I liked knowing that he wasn't afraid of what was going on, of me. Except, I think he was afraid. I think he was scared of what our father would say, of what everyone else would think. But he was brave for me. He held me tight as he made love to me and he told me everything was going to be okay. He was the one who really needed to hear that. I knew in my heart that I loved him more than anything and there was nothing that I would let get in the way of that.

 Dean and I shared that night in the dark in that random motel in that random town and no one knew about it. He liked that, Dean always talked about how this was ours and no one else's. I think that was his favorite part. Me being his, entirely, and only his. After all, I was. He was my everything, I would give anything for him. At the end of the day he had full control over me, and vice versa. Like an addiction I just couldn't kick. No matter how hard I tried.

 The entire world stopped that night. The broken clock on the wall, hailing the wrong time, stopped ticking. The swoosh of the cars passing by outside could no longer be heard. Even the rain dancing against the windows in the pitch night stopped to gape at the two indulgent boys getting lost in each other. It was almost as if it knew, it knew that this is where it started. This is what would build everything, and eventually, tear it right back down.

 It's kind of disappointing no longer knowing exactly how it happened, considering it seemed like such an important night. It was all so fast. It came, and it went. Destroying most everything in it's path. To think it wont even be remembered properly, if at all, I don't even know what to say. At the time it seemed like everything to us. We were so young and dumb and oblivious to the world around us. It was kind of beautiful in that way. Our love devoured us whole. Our small bodies clutching at each other like it was the only thing we were capable of.

 I knew he would punish himself for that later, I knew he would beat himself up for touching his baby brother. Dean was like that. But in that moment, I needed to know that he didn't regret what we did. I needed to know that he wanted this as much as I did. So I looked into his eyes in front of mine and I searched for my answers. I know that boy, better than anyone. In him I saw fear, delicate disappointment, but most importantly, I saw love. And that was what I needed.

 That night I lost my virginity. I lost it to the person I loved and I still do love. I think that's special. That was the first time Dean and I had touched each other, I guess we got a little carried away. That was the first time we knew how the other felt, and I guess that was overwhelming. Our love for each other then was just as pure as now. Despite everything that's happened and all that we've been through, he always maintained the soul ability to leave me breathless with none than a touch. No matter what happened I always felt strongest when he was around, electricity that only he could conduct. It sounds stupid but it's true. Dean always made me feel whole.

 

 

So, as he rocked his hips and buried himself deeper inside me all those years ago, I put my hand on his chest. I listened to him breathe. That was all that was important to me. And even here, now, I put my hand over his chest and try to hear him breathe. But there is silence.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm not sure if I'll continue this, I had originally intended for this to be a long one but wowow everything is going wrong??? I know it's kinda cheesy and everything please lemme know what you think !!


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